Wednesday, December 15, 2004

You're All Nuts -- A CNB Quote Qompendium

1. Missouri state representative Cynthia Davis, discussing her two bills she prefiled for the next legislative session (one would remove the state's requirement that all forms of contraception and their potential health effects be taught in schools, and the other would require publishers that sell biology textbooks to Missouri to include at least one chapter with alternative theories to evolution):

"It's like when the hijackers took over those four planes on Sept. 11 and took people to a place where they didn't want to go. I think a lot of people feel that liberals have taken our country somewhere we don't want to go. I think a lot more people realize this is our country and we're going to take it back."

CNB response: Yes, that is EXACTLY what it is like -- perfect analogy. Don't forget that a vote for Kerry was a vote for more terror attacks.

2. Baseball player Jeremy Giambi (currently in the minors) testifying before a grand jury (investigating BALCO) concerning "the cream" given to him Greg Anderson, the personal trainer for San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds:

“For all I knew, it could have been baby lotion.”
CNB response: Willful ignorance, while gaining popularity among the American populace at an alarming rate, does not generally equate to the Nixonian "plausible deniability." To dumb it down a shade for you, Mr. Giambi: get a better excuse -- we haven't suffered head injuries.

3. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, defending the pregnant pause taken to respond to a question posed by a National Guardsman in Kuwait (at that now-infamous Q&A session):

"Settle down, settle down. I'm an old man and it's early in the morning. I'm gathering my thoughts here."

CNB response: We know you were just gathering your thoughts (before providing a thoughtless response) -- you were probably just tired. Avoiding issues (you and Mr. Giambi might discuss willful ignorance in greater detail) and answering your own questions (there can be no followups if you don't actually take initial questions from the press) is tiring work. You should look into retirement while Social Security is still available (Sen. McCain certainly will not object to it). You could spend these golden years volunteering your time in Iraq up-armoring Humvees for National Guardsman burned by your "stop loss" policy.

======Update -- 12:34PM CST===============

Joe Simpson on his daughter, the ubiquitous Jessica Simpson:

"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

CNB response: Svengali + Joseph Jackson - child abuse (at least the physical kind) + creepy adoration of daughter's physical attributes = Joe Simpson.